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"The holiest of all holidays are those kept by ourselves silent and apart;  The secret anniversaries of the heart"
                                                            -Henry Wordsworth Longfellow


OLD GRIEF

Older grief is gentler.

It's about sudden tears swept in by a 
strand of music.

It's about haunting echoes of first pain on anniversaries.

It's about feeling his presence for an
instant one day while dusting his room.

It's about memories blown on whisps
of wood smoke and sea scents.

Older grief is about aching in gentler
ways, rarer longing, less engulfing fire.

Older grief is about searing pain
wrought into tenderness. 

Linda Zelenka, TCF, Orange Park, FL


WHY WE STILL GO TO TCF

"Are you still involved with that group?  Aren't you over 
it yet?  Why do you go?"

    These are questions I often heard after it had been
more than seven years since Mark died.  I suspect you
hear them too.  There are easy answers.  But not everyone
understands, unless you have been there.  Here are 10 
I can think of:

1.   Because we never want the world to forget our child,
    so what we do, we do in his or her name.
2.   Because when we reach out to help someone else,
    we also help ourselves.
3.   Because someone was there for us when we needed it
    most;  now the best way to say  "thank you" is to pass it 
    on by being there for others.
4.   Because it is the one thing we do that can bring 
    something positive out of tragedy.
5.   Because we have found in TCF better friends and
    closer bonds than we ever thought possible.  Here we
    can cry and hug people even if we don't know their 
    last name or what they do for a living.   And it doesn't matter.
6.   Because few people are qualified to walk up to a 
    newly bereaved family and say, "I know how you feel."
    And because we can, we must.
7.   Because sometimes we need to talk, too, 
    and to remember and share.  We are further along than 
    many around us, but we never forget.
8.   Because many of us believe that one day we we 
    will meet our child or brother or sister again, and he 
    or she will ask, "So what did you do with your life after I left?"  
    And we will have an answer.
9.   Because our presence might help newly bereaved
    famillies understand that they will survive and even
    laugh again.
10. Because we love cold coffee and hard metal chairs.

                    Rich Edler
                    TCF South Bay/L.A., CA


LITTLE BY LITTLE,  STEP BY STEP, I LEARNED THAT I DIDN'T NEED TO 
HANG ON TO THE DEATH TO REMEMBER THE LIFE.
WHAT A JOYOUS DISCOVERY!
                    
                    Kittie Brown McGowin, TCF, Montgomery, AL



                You Know You're Making Progress When...

You can remember your child with a smile.
You realize the painful comments others make are made in ignorance.
You can reach out to help someone else.
You can sit through a church service without crying.
You can concentrate on something besides your child.
You can find something to thank God for.
You can be alone in your house without it bothering you.
You no longer feel you have to go to the cemetery every day or every week.
You can tolerate the sound of a baby crying.
You don't have to turn off the radio when his or her favorite music comes on.
You can drive by the hospital or that intersection without screaming.
You no longer feel exhausted all the time.
You can appreciate a sunset, the smell of newly mowed grass, or the pattern 
    on a butterfly's wings.

                        Judy Osgood
                        TCF, Carmel/Indianapolis, IN.


OUT OF THE BLUE

    "How is it several years down the road?", I'm sometimes asked.  Maybe they want to hear that I'm "all over it" and that everything is hunky dory in my life now that this much time has elapsed.  I have to admit in all honesty that, though it is much better where I am now, as compared to way back there where fresh, raw and bleeding grief abides, I do still have to deal with the remnants of grief from time to time.  It comes and sits on my shoulder and says, "Here I am, deal with me again," and I do, for denying the remnants doesn't work any more than denying the fresh grief works.
    The main difference is that I have had eight years to learn about my needs on those yearly special events, such as birthdays, death days, Mother's Day, Holidays, etc.  and I know how to handle those times.  Practice hasn't made me perfect, but it has helped.  Those days don't devastate me as they once did.  I don't anticipate them weeks ahead of time as I did when I was learning to create a life without my child.  I, long ago, created my new life, my new normal.
    The thngs that cause me to deal with the pain again are not things I am able to anticipate.  Instead, they come out of the blue to mow me down...not kind enough to give me warning.  For example, occasions such as the birth of a baby boy...to my brother's son and his wife,  seeming to assure that with good luck my family's name would be perpetuated.  Although I knew intellectually that my husbands family name would die with him, since our son had not married with he died, I had not dealt emotionally with that fact.  As I looked at that beautiful baby boy there in the hospital nursery, there was no way in the world I could have anticipated my painful response as I admitted that we would never have that particular grandchild to carry on my husband's family name.
    It is  a one time experience.  Once you have dealt with that "Out of the Blue" event, it becomes, like the yearly special days, familiar.  So much so that when my nephew's second son was born two years later, there were no remnants hanging about.  So I know this was yet another first I had put behnd me.  I also knew there would be other firsts I would have to face.

                                Mary Cleckley, TCF Atlanta, GA